In my post yesterday I documented our bizarre hotel/indoor water park story while in Indy. During that post I touched on the water slide incident with my son, but didn't really delve into it - but it was a pretty monumental moment in my parenting life - so I thought I would share it in today's post.
As I stated in my last post Fender is now a HUGE fan of water slides. When we went to French Lick or any other water park for that matter he is up for anything and so excited when we get to go down water slides together. So you can imagine his excitement and the anticipation as we went up the steps to the drop zone. In his eyes and smile was the wonderment of what it would be like as we zoomed down the slides, thrusting into our splashing halt… We have enjoyed so many of these moments together. But it wasn't always this way. (Back story time)
Fender has always been a little 'hesitant' when it comes to trying new things. Okay - sometimes he's just been flat out chicken! His little sister - not so much. She's foolish enough to try anything that her big brother will do and then some. But a no fear outlook often leads to bruised up knees and tears - but that's a post for a different time! So we spent so much time in the pool and other areas building up courage and getting past our fears. To accomplish this we've always done things together. And he's gotten better. Over these years he knows that if we're together he'll be okay. I'll take care of him and protect him. We're a team. Just the other day he started saying this to me: "Dad we have to stay together. We could never function apart." (tear) I have no idea where he got that from - but it melts my heart every time he says it (especially since I know he'll be in jr high some day and this will not last). But he believes that his dad will take care of him - and I try my best to. (enough back story)
So we finally reach the top and the lifeguard says "you can't go down together. He'll have to go by himself." I said, "He's only 4 and never been down by himself. Are you sure?" The annoyed head shake answered that one. So I asked him if he wanted to go and he said yes really excited. So I went down first to catch him at the bottom. As I began my descent I was immediately gripped with fear. Not for myself but for the 4 year old I cared more about than anything else in the world. My heart rate shot up as I realized that this would utterly terrify him and he couldn't do this alone. He needed his Daddy with him. I couldn't wait to get to the end so I could stop him from coming down the slide. I finally splashed in and hopped up and yelled to the top deck to no avail. I then whistled but no response. Finally the lifeguard looked over and gave me the thumb's up that he was on his way down. I was too late. He was coming down all by himself and I KNEW what he was feeling. I KNEW what terror and fear he felt inside. And there was nothing I could do about it. His protector and partner was 200 feet away ready to catch him and hold him in my arms - but I couldn't change his journey now.
His face when he saw me was not one of joy, but of sadness and terror. I felt like through his tears he was saying, "Daddy where were you?! Why couldn't we go together?!" I didn't have an answer except to say how sorry I was, and that he was going to be alright. "Daddy's got you buddy! You won't have to go alone anymore." I have struggled with that feeling of failing as a dad ever since. The idea of leaving my little boy alone to suffer or be fearful without me is almost more than I can stand. Of course - it paints a pretty vivid picture for me of another Father and Son story.
Jesus of Nazareth (God in flesh) spent His whole life with His Father. There was never anywhere or anytime He went or was where His Father wasn't with Him. At home, in storms, in ministry, when with His friends - His 'Abba' was with Him every step… But one… In Matthew 27:46 it says, "About three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, "Eli, Eli. lema sabachthani?" (which translated means, "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?)" When God placed the sin of all humanity on the person of Jesus Christ - His Only begotten Son - for the first time He was unable to look at Him. He was unable to hold Him. He wouldn't stop what had been decided. His boy was going to go it alone. But here's the thing - Jesus got to the bottom of that slide and He said, "It is finished." He did it. He made it down. It was scary, it was tough, it hurt more than any pain imaginable. And He had to do it without His Dad… But He did it - and His father caught Him when it was all over and brought Him back to His side at the throne of Heaven.
Am I still going to struggle with this? Absolutely. Is it going to change how I parent my kids? Absolutely. Does it make me appreciate all the more what my Abba Father and His Son went through? Absolutely…
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